For those of you who know me, I am a very private person. But being that I am among my Brothers I would like to pose a question. You can respond by replying to this post or back channel (email or phone is fine).
My mother and father had a long-distance marriage. Throughout my early childhood my father lived and worked in New York while my two brothers, sister, and mother lived in Mississippi. When he retired in 1984 my parents bought a home in Mississippi and attempted to have a real marriage. After six months of constant arguing my Brothers and I went to school one morning and when we got home he had moved back to Virginia. I haven't seen my father in twenty-two years. No, that's not a type-o.
This coming weekend, I am going to visit my younger Brother in DC and since my father will be four hours away (and since he's told my Brother to ask me to contact him), we are going to drive over and see him as well.
Currently, the only thing that I feel is anger. I want my children to at least meet their grandfather probably more than I want to see him myself. So, I need some advice. I know that it may be hard to put yourself into my shoes, but how would you handle this situation? Do you think that I should even make an effort after so long?
Sorry for turning the blog into "Dear Abby", but I need some un-biased advice.
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21 comments:
Originally posted by Coop: I can't put myself in your shoes but I can relate somewhat having been raised by a man whose father left when he was a child. As far as we know, I'm the last Cooper but anyways. I think you should meet him for sake of closure. My father was told that his father left him and his brother for various reasons but later, at a relative's funeral, we found out that everything he was told had been false. In short, you'd never know until you ask him face to face. If I were in your shoes, that's what I would do. Hope this helps.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Originally posted by Walt: I understand the anger, my only advise is to remember that you have come along way without him so you owe him nothing and turned out ok....but it is noble to want your kids to know him. Maybe, one of you will reach out and start a new relationship.
Originally posted by Holmes: Bruh! I might be able to answer this one for you. I too have experienced a situation similar to this. I was raised by grandmother(s).
Brother there is no "right" or easy advice to give here. You must follow your heart and use a bit wisdom and sacrifice.
I must admit, I applaud your courage for sharing and even attempting to address the situation. Most just sweep it under the rug and try to ignore it like it doesn't exist.
The black male's role in the black family is becoming more diminished. We need all the help we can get to regain our position. Even if it means negative reinforcement. (Learning how to be better family men by avoiding and rejecting the mistakes of deadbeat dads). And fathers that have to fight with bitter women just to spend time with their seeds.
Lastly bruh, life is funny it giveth and much as it taketh away.
I hope this half a cent helps.
Originally posted by Holmes: Bruh! In all my wordy reply I didn't even answer your question. I would definetly go see him. As coop mentioned for closure and for peace.
Originally posted by Calhoun: I read your post and while I cannot say that I understand (I am blessed to be the child of parents who are STILL together), I do know that as long as you store those feelings of animosity/anger towards your father within you, you block blessings that may be ordained for you. As a Mason, we are taught to use the F.P.O.F. to aid a brother as he errs. I respect you as a man, a mason, a brother and a father; I always have. I learned a great deal during my "ordeal" a couple of years ago, and one of the lessons that I gleaned from my experience was that as long as I kept my feelings of anger toward those who were against me, I was hurting myself. I learned that in order to receive God's best, I had to first be willing to forgive those who trespassed against me. Again, I can not say that I understand how you feel, but I do know that God is love, and if He can forgive us for all that we have done and continue to do, the least we could do is reciprocate that to our fellow man.
You have accomplished a great deal in your lifetime, but the best is yet to come. I would hate for you to miss out on what He has in store for you because you allowed the shortcomings of another man fester up resentment in your life. The good book says, "Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." Mark 11:24-26
Forgive him for your sake, not for his. From thence, you have no reason NOT to expect God's best.
Originally posted by Carithers: PM, my father left me when I was 3, being 25 now, I haven't seen him in 22 years as well, in fact I have no recollection of my father, I don't even know what he looks like (my mom threw away all of his pictures some years ago).
To this day, I have resentment and anger towards him. I cannot fathom how a man can walk away from his family (more especially his 2 children) and have no communication with them at all. The strange thing is, my father lives in Atlanta, and through an internet-based background search web site, I found his phone number and address. To make a long story short, he changed his phone number and when I went to his address, which turned out to be a plush apartment complex in Buckhead, the manager informed me that she couldn't give me his apartment number because of certain privacy laws.
To the immediate answer of your question, I think you should see your father but do so for your children's sake. I don't know the exact situation between your father and yourself but let your children set eyes upon part of the reason you are here today. If I had the opportunity, all I would want is to set eyes upon my father, no more, no less, just to see where I came from...you should let your children do the same.
Hope this helps! I'll see you at the lodge meeting on Monday.
Originally posted by Kaliq: Brother Hobson, your question has really brought out some emotions within myself that I thought were some dead issues and is forcing me to ask myself some tough questions that I really don't want to answer. Like you, me and my father relationship is non-existence. Also, I am sure like myself that over the years you have no doubt tried to mend ways with your father only to be disappointed yet again. I to must face my music and not be consumed with anger. You see Brother, tomorrow is not promised so don't let another day pass by without doing what is right by God, yourself and your family. To error is human, but to FORGIVE in divine. Thank you. I'm calling my Pops tonight, call yours.
Originally posted by BT: Wow, now this is what this great FRATERNITY is all about. PM Hobson, I applaud you for opening yourself up to the brothers and allowing input into a very private matter. I cannot chime in and say that I understand what your dilemma is because my father has always been in my life. My heart actually got FULL thinking about your situation and wondering what my life would have been like had he not been there.
Like Bro. Smith said: You only get one biological man that can be called DAD or FATHER. Not being in your life for the past 22 years, he's probably just considered your DAD. Not knowing the full realm of what has or hasn't transpired in the past 22 years will have a lasting effect on your role as a FATHER in your 2 children's lives.
I say that you don't have to greet him and call him FATHER or DAD off the rip because that's just not realistic. You also have to just think that the LORD has given you this opportunity for a REASON. We neither know the time or place where we will be called to meet our maker.......but it is evident for all.
I just experienced with my wife the LOSS of a FATHER that she wasn't as close to because of Divorce and other things. Her tears flowed just the same as if he was always there and she still cries at just the thought of him being gone. GOD has given you a TESTIMONY and you have shared it with us........LOOK at the brothers in the lodge who were or are in the same position as you are in. I would have never known these brothers this intimately had you not opened your HEART.
You have a unique opportunity to teach your children a lesson in life with what is about to occur. Your role as FATHER will be cemented in the Hearts even if they truly don't understand right now. Don't go expecting to get a lot of answers to all the questions that you may have............just go and open your HEART. Go with COMPASSION and no CONTEMPT........Greet him with REASONING and not RESENTMENT. For what has happened in the PAST is just that......PAST. WE cannot change it but we can learn from it and you know that you would never want your KIDS to feel what you do today.
Brother, I am behind you 112% and I hope this weekend will open up those doors to which your father has held the keys for 22 years.
To each brother that is in or have had a similar experience........I am behind you as well.
Originally posted by Evans: Past Master you have to go. I believe that he has dropped the ball on you and was derelict for most of your adult life....22 years worth. But with that said, your children deserve to know their roots, and maybe they can feel whole in knowing who their Dad came from, even if Grand Dad was a 22 year --dead beat.
Also, for me personally, when my father died of cancer, I realized that I had not fully forgiven him for not being in my life more and I had to cope with my own guilt for not being more proactive in knowing him better, when I became an adult. The thing is PM, that you are going to always harbor ill will and resentment towards him, if you do not at least confront it. I wish that I could roll back the clockwith tmy pops. You can not go back 22 years, but your tow children--his Grandchildren do not have to know (right now) that Grandpa was not a good role model for their Dad. Also, when I was at a (Let us Make Man) retreat last year.....it became apparant to me that all of these great men and leaders in the room, that came to the retreat had some unresolved issues with their/our fathers. As we brought it up, grown men began crying like women at a girly flick, and we all cleansed ourselves of the hatred, guilt, resentment, of the past. It was VERY cathartic. Also, if you have never gotten counseling, you and your Brother may benefit from closing this 22 year old chapter in your lives. No one will expect a Tyler Perry ending to the visit, but later on you can process what (he says to you and your brother) to see if your Dad is someone that you will want around your kids after that visit. But I think that you have to go PM, if nothing else so that you can move forward.
Also, dead beat parents, sometimes can be good grand parents and a blessing to your kids, and even if you and your brother want to slap him, wouldn't you like your kids to have all of the blessings that they deserve? This will also be a great lesson for you two kids if they ever become parents. You as a deserted child, did not let bitterness and an unforgiving spirit consume you, but you choose to take the high rode.
Originally posted by Earl: I was hesitant to respond to your post as I have a hard time putting myself in your shoes. I always try to be as reserved in possible when throwing my 'two cents' into an important scenario such as this one. I didn't feel as though it was necessarily my place to give an opinion on the matter as I have always had a father in my life who has made a tremendous impact on me. I can't really envision what my life would be like otherwise.
Yet and still I was moved by the honesty your post and its responses none the less. So, in lieu of a word of sound advice, I want you to know I'll be prayin for you and yours.
I may not know the best thing to do in a situation such as yours but I know that to pray that the will of God be done in your lives will always yield a positive outcome.
I got much love for 'the twelve'
Originally posted by Charles: As usual, I am the one that comes in late.
But it appears that most Brothers who responded to the post gave some great testimony. I found myself relating to you on a surface level in that we sometimes maintain family ties for the benefit of our kids. If I didn't have kids, I probably would not have gone to Pittsburgh four times this year.
But to see my parents react to my kids was worth it..going to Pittsburgh is painful, but it is worth it for them...for them it gives them depth...they're amazed by how large my family is, and from this it appears something personal and profound has happened to them because of the visits. I sense this when they talk about a Pittsburgh very differant from my Pittsburgh.
From your sharing something so personal, and from our Brothers responding so personally, this path with WCT 112 that I am taking must be the right path (it feels that way today). My immediate reaction to your story was one of immese respect for you as a man, even more than before. And while I cannot related totally to your human condition as far as your father goes, when I see you with your kids as I am with my kids-I know we are connected by the love we share with our respective familys.
Lastly, your personal testimony caused my eyes to sweat because I am sensitive. Which, I believe the world needs to revitilize its senses so I do not think it is such a bad thing.
Originally posted by WM: This is an open letter to W.C.Thomas #112, Brothers to this post I have given my own personal answer to Hobson by phone, because my own father died when I was 16 and I barely knew him. I may see him some years sometimes not at all, but enough of that, these responses should make you as proud of each other as I am to know each of you. This is why I tell my wife this is my family. Who would not be proud to call you all such. You've proven once again you know how to be family, how to show love and give love in abundance. In today's time, a grown man finds it hard to find a place of solice, where he could even pose such a question and wait and see what kind of answers he could get. All of these were filled with compassion and concern as well as honesty. I would only hope that if I have need of the same -- that I would receive it. Again, YOU ARE THE GREATEST LODGE IN THE WORLD!
Originally posted by Silas: I wish I could tell you something that might make this easier or make it the way you would like it to be ..... but that's really not possible.
Let me say this ......... always remember we are men and as men we are imperfect creatures who are ( as the Quran says) striving to be "upright". That "upright" position is state exists on multiple plans ............ physical, mental, moral and spiritual. Some of us get stuck along the way. Others manage to not be entirely bent over for the better part of our lives. There is a handful who manage to stand tall in some areas, but not all. Perfection is a state that eludes us all.
In the final analysis ........ shit happens .......... and shit is going on all the time and that shit effects all of us. The reason being ....... is that life does not come with a hand book . If we had one, read it , followed it and along with everyone else we would be much better off. Just because a man is a father, a priest, president, preachers, commoner or king does not insulate him from that shit thats going on all around us all the time.
This man is your father, you and he may become friends on some level or you may not. But as a man realize that it is quite possible that something could happen to you. That could adversely impact you the way something adversely impact him and could cause someone to be as angry at you as you are with him.
My advise to you is to attempt to examine the cause, or what caused this to happen, rather than pass judgment the end result. In doing so I believe that you discover that only a man can understand what happens to another man ............... a son can't do that.
I have a 27 year old son and we did not speak for a few years ............. and one day he came to me with anger in his heart and demanded to understand what between us. What I told him was that as a boy, I could not get him to understand, accept or even see certain things. But as a man and if he were willing to listen, perhaps he would understand. He might not accept it, but perhaps he would understand. He did and we are much better and closer now that ever before.
Good luck and may you find the peace that you are looking for.
Originally posted by Kitts: My parents divorced when I was age 10, My father was an alcoholic (now sober for ??? years). By the time I was 13 I no longer saw my father, I made it a point to stay in contact with him however difficult it was. When I went through my divorce my son was only 3 years old. he barley knows me now other than the phone calls, I didn't even get my time with them this past summer and they are moving to Alaska I hear, which will make visitation even more difficult. The point is sometimes all it take is a phone call form the bigger man to re-establish the relationship. My family (mom's side) has a saying "we don't allow anything to come between us for any reason". Sure there are disputes among us however, we try to adhere to those words and with time and effort the wounds and pain inflicted become bearable or non-existent. Call him and make peace with him and your conscience there may be an ashlar there ready to be shaped. "these generous principles are to extend further. Every human being has a claim upon your kind offices. Do good unto all".
Hope these words reach you in good spirit.
My father was in my life physically, but he wasn't there emotionally. I would have rather my father had not been there at all; but his hallow presence allowed me to see that I had no reflection when I looked at him. He taught me how not to be a father.
I still speak to him and I make the conscious effort to call him; because if I responded in the same like manner as he does with me. . . then my actions would make me just like him.
It is good to see you posting again. I look forward to your future posts.
Osiris
I stumbled upon your blog for the first time today, and read this, your latest entry, now about six weeks after you posted it. If I may ask: How did it go?
I grew up in a different situation, but I sympathesize. My father basically abandoned us after my parents divorced when I was about four years old; I went many years without seeing him. I saw him very occasionally until the middle of high school, then it was as if he fell of the face of the earth. Thirteen years later, he died, and then his side of the family got in touch with me again so I could come out to the funeral.
All that was over 20 years ago. So many unanswered questions.
I understand your anger very well, I think, if one human being can ever be said to truly understand another. That said, I hope that your encounter went well. Be well, my unknown friend and brother.
Greetings to you my brother at heart. I must say that I totally understand how you're feeling about your situation. I myself have gone without my father (fat/her). I've also lived a life without my mother as well. They both were taken by the streets and every drug made available to man. My mother is only 3 exits from me here in the D.C. area and even after her being clean from drugs for over 15 years, we still don't have much of a relationship. I have been fortunate to become much closer to my father who is now my my best friend.
In being brought to the light and become a spiritual man, remember that the Holy Bible is given us as the rule and guide for our faith and practice. We all should honor our parents and try our damnest to understand their situation as best we can. Let's forget the problem, and find the solution. You're in my prayers and know that you have a little brother here in D.C.
Darnell (William T. Wallace #134)
shy_ne_diamond@yahoo.com
My Brother, all I can say is my mom raised 6 boys alone. Me being the youngest, I never knew my dad. He left while I was very young. I wish I had the chance. I have a Son 18 and I promised God and myself HE would never go through what I did. I kept that promise. I say go and let your children meet and get to know Grandpa. I bet you he is wishing he could take it all back and do it all over again. Not that what he did was ok. It wasn't.
Brother,
I come to this from a different point of view. I'm the father who wasn't there. My youngest daughter stayed with my ex-wife when we broke up, and Child Protective Services removed her when she was about 10 years old. In spite of my legal efforts, the state of CA (I live in Maryland) would not place her with me. I was complicit in her mother's problems, it seems.
During the next 20 years I have seen my daughter about 5 times. I raised all the rest of my children, largely by myself, but this girl was in a mess, and I couldn't solve it.
I agonize over what she really thinks of me. I felt that it was best for her to have stability with her aunt, where she was placed by CPS, so I stayed away.
I went through this self serving apology to say that there are many motives for a person's behavior, that we can't be aware of. I tried to protect her from instability, and it wasn't good.
I hope she can feel good about me. We get along when we are together, but I lost as much as she did. Your father lost as much as you did. He lost your innocence and the joy of seeing you turn into a good man, working for the welfare of others and yourself.
When my father walked out, I hated him. I was fortunate to make up with him for the last 10 years of his life. We weren't father and son, but friends.
Go with an open mind. See what can be made of this. Remember we are enjoined to charity for all.
Bro.
This may be a little late but I felt like commenting. I had a similar experience. It was not my father but my mother. After my father passed away when I was 3 my mom had taken off, I only saw her no more than 10 times between the ages of 3 - 6 maybe even 7. The last time I was her she was drunk at my god-sister's wedding and she had just gotten me a pair of tight shoes that barely fit earlier that day, great last memory of the woman.
A few years ago while at work my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a search on whitepages.com, well I punched in our last name and her first... I had a feeling that she was in the Florida area, well I was right her name and number came up, I got a bit emotional at the time.
I called her later that night... and we started talking catching up trying to figure out what happened...
Now the honey moon phase is over I'll talk to her every now and then. My sister has moved in with her... I'm really not sure how I feel but can't choose our family.
Hope your experience went well
I'd luv 2 know how your visit turned out, how it really turned out, emotionz you felt, the vibe your children got, I hope it was a positive xperience.
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